So there's this cat

I've always hated cats.

There were many strays around the neighborhood and Sharon has the impression that they are dirty and full of germs. She taught me that cats try to get close so that they can rub their grime on humans.

I didn't question that and have always stayed away.

In 2014, Jacky, who loves cats, sent me back to Singapore. He saw the many strays we had and we bought cat food to feed them.

He taught me that cats have a gland on their necks which will emit hormones. This hormone will allow them to "mark their territory" and feel more comfortable around; cats will only rub on humans that they like. 

That's beautiful.

I relearned and started to like playing with stray cats. Getting rubbed on feels really nice now that I know its true meaning. 

So there's this cat.

Cat is shy and doesn't like to be disturbed. But he looks at me like he wants to play. After a couple of interactions, I realised that the trick is to pretend that he doesn't exist. After a while, he would come out and hang.

Today, I did just that and he came over after a while! I must say that I was rather pleased. This didn't last for long though- when I tried to pat him, he got defensive and started clawing me. 

I rebounded in fear and my first instinct is to back off and run away and examine the 2 bleeding scratches on my feet. 

When I turned back, I saw Cat clawing the floor.

Like he can't help it..

Cat looked me in the eyes like he was feeling sorry for hurting me.. 

This makes me sad.

He must have had some past hurts in his past which made him so fearful of humans that a slight touch will trigger this response. This self-defense mechanism that was created to protect himself from harm. 

Walls, while they keep enemies out, won't let the right ones in.

I'm scared of getting close for fear that he'll hurt me again.

This selfishness makes me angry at myself.

I don't know what I can do to get to him.

I'll be losing sleep tonight.