I wish I had a sweet nothing to whisper himself into me and blow sunshine into my life too.
(it's funny how I think pictures with/of words > pictures and pictures > words)
Well I've been depressed/repressed/suppressed the past few days. I just feel so horrible about myself and I refuse to go out. Missed 3 gatherings all of which I really (secretly) wanted to attend. Well I got dressed up for all 3 but I just can't bear to step outside my house.
To digress, it's funny how I get dressed- I'll just pick a top that I quite like, match it, walk out looking for faeries to tell me that I look fine, get a "you look ugly/fat/disgusting" from my brother and walk back into the room like I don't care, change and walk out again. This continues and in 2/3 times (actual stats) I ultimately went with my first outfit (which isn't an out-fit, since I didn't go out).
But yes, my brother has been lowering my (almost) negative self esteem a lot these days. I find myself wailing in bed out of nowhere just because. And when I try to find someone to talk to, I feel like an attention seeking freak bc all I can say is "I feel sad but idk why, I just cried and I can't stop feeling depressed. I think I've an issue". Well, newsflash, I think they all do (think that I have an issue). Few have even accused me of lying. Why, thank you, that does make me feel better.
I guess the bottom line is that I really hate myself and my life now. I don't know if I've ever really liked myself but I really really hate me now and this is not the first time I'm feeling this way. Idk how am I gonna secure any scholarships with this state of mind bc how can you ever get others to like you when you feel so badly about yourself?
my bedroom is a sty with all my changed clothes everywhere + lots of books (I started buying them (hooray (I have yet to start reading) ) ) I thank God for Sharon bc she loves me a lot and packs my room for me and cooks nice soup.
I thank God for my nails bc when I feel suicidal I'll look at them and think "omg they're so pretty" and I'll feel happy(er) for a few moments. I think I'll die when my manicure grows out. But for now, nice fingernails ftw.
(it's funny how I think pictures with/of words > pictures and pictures > words)
Well I've been depressed/repressed/suppressed the past few days. I just feel so horrible about myself and I refuse to go out. Missed 3 gatherings all of which I really (secretly) wanted to attend. Well I got dressed up for all 3 but I just can't bear to step outside my house.
To digress, it's funny how I get dressed- I'll just pick a top that I quite like, match it, walk out looking for faeries to tell me that I look fine, get a "you look ugly/fat/disgusting" from my brother and walk back into the room like I don't care, change and walk out again. This continues and in 2/3 times (actual stats) I ultimately went with my first outfit (which isn't an out-fit, since I didn't go out).
But yes, my brother has been lowering my (almost) negative self esteem a lot these days. I find myself wailing in bed out of nowhere just because. And when I try to find someone to talk to, I feel like an attention seeking freak bc all I can say is "I feel sad but idk why, I just cried and I can't stop feeling depressed. I think I've an issue". Well, newsflash, I think they all do (think that I have an issue). Few have even accused me of lying. Why, thank you, that does make me feel better.
I guess the bottom line is that I really hate myself and my life now. I don't know if I've ever really liked myself but I really really hate me now and this is not the first time I'm feeling this way. Idk how am I gonna secure any scholarships with this state of mind bc how can you ever get others to like you when you feel so badly about yourself?
my bedroom is a sty with all my changed clothes everywhere + lots of books (I started buying them (hooray (I have yet to start reading) ) ) I thank God for Sharon bc she loves me a lot and packs my room for me and cooks nice soup.
I thank God for my nails bc when I feel suicidal I'll look at them and think "omg they're so pretty" and I'll feel happy(er) for a few moments. I think I'll die when my manicure grows out. But for now, nice fingernails ftw.
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