When I was 14, I came up with this weird theory that I'm able to "send messages" to my future/past self. It was to get over the guilt for not studying for my history (or SS) test that I failed (my first academic failure in my life).
The idea goes like this: if I concentrated hard enough, I will be able to "send" the history questions back to my future self and one self of me will be able to "receive" it and hence prepare for it, getting a much better grade than I did.
Some examples during A level include this and this. Like I really believed it worked.
(no longer have posts before 16 cause all data from 10-16 were deleted due to a little quarrel with my brother)
Funny enough, after I really believed in it, I started to get little hints from the Chmelrealm. Like I'll have these little moments where I realise that the unemployment chapter is more important than the GDP chapter and I've been doing pretty well in school since then.
I'm not saying that this spooky inter-temporal penpal thing actually works. But things don't have to work the way we think it does to have a positive effect on us (more about this next time)
Since then, I've gathered enough exam skills and intelligence to no longer need to "send exam questions" back to the past. But recently, I keep receiving a "message" that goes: "Are you happy?". This made me rethink the philosophy behind Chmelrealm.
The only constant in life is yourself. You are the one you have to deal with for the most of the time. There must be some magic in sharing the same body as your 5 yo self and your 55 yo self.
After receiving the above message, I sent it back to the future and thought to myself: what would I look like at 30? Will I have a family? Will I love the same way I do? Do I have a wonderful relationship with my parents?
I hope the answer the postman gets is yes..
I don't think happiness should be the end goal to life. I feel that life is made beautiful by its chaos. The fact that amongst chaos, we can find peace and structure and control. This whole theory may just be me grappling to control my own life..
Anyway, I've hence came up with this project to work on daily until the end of 2014:
Ask myself: are you happy?
not the current me, because happiness is kinda fleeting isn't it?
But I know that if I were to tell the 14 year old me that I'm no longer on talking terms with Rachel, she'll get mad and probably cry and throw things at me.
and if I were to tell the 17 year old me that I am no longer putting in effort to know more about Physics and that I chose Econs instead, she will be pretty upset and ignore me for a couple of hours.
and if I were to tell the 21 year old me that I'm slowly crawling us out of the degenerate well that she has dug in Australia, she would be really proud of me.
and if messages could really travel past time, I would tell the 16 year old me that I will eventually get past bulimia and actually be happy with how I look and have a comfortable relationship with food. How encouraging would it be for her?
It's true that we are present biased. We tend to value our current happiness more than future/past happiness. Same goes for suffering. I feel that I'm able to look past the moment of "now" when I think about the benefits it will bring me in the future.
If we were to recall our A level period, many of us would just wave it off and say: it wasn't that tough! But it was- I had less than 3 hours of sleep every day during that 2 weeks (cause I mug better last minute) and every moment was a battle with my depleting self control. What kept me going was the thought that "I will get past it", which was based on a conversation with myself, knowing that Chmel at 23 will think that A level is peanuts.
When I got my A level results, I made sure to send a message back to studyingforAsChmel to comfort her that "everything is gonna be worth it in the end".
Isn't it so empowering? You are your greatest cheer leader and the future you has the tested and proven results that you can use to motivate yourself!
So here's what I'm gonna do everyday:
Think back on my past and ask "are you happy with where you see me now?"
I don't think the 15 year old, God loving Chmel will be pleased that I'm no longer attending church and having a close relationship with Jesus Christ, but the 22 year old me will be so proud of who I am right now.
Would any bit of you make the young you cry? Did you used to play the guitar alone just for fun? Did you used to draw for the sake of it and not for grades? Did you actually enjoyed studying in the past? What changed?
Do you want that part of you back?
I think it's a good thought experiment to put myself through everyday to know that I'm heading towards the right direction.
Also, it's good to look forward to the future and ask "are you proud of what I'm doing today?"
These are some things I wish I can retain with me until I die and will be pretty upset if I were to change in the future (futuremel, this is for you)
1) My love for people
I love helping people and seeing a smile of their face. I won't say that I'm never a bitch but I'm generally nice to people. If I ever become a grouch, I'll be really ashamed of myself.
2) The way I love
I don't ever want to hold back and give 85% instead of 100% for fear of heartbreaks. I don't want to change the selfless way I love.
3) My curiosity
I can go on wiki/google and read up on the holocaust, random conspiracy theories about in the US (project monarch!), and ways to treat pimples and I can do that for hours non-stop. It's quite a waste of time but I feel that this desire to want to know/learn more really defines me as a person.
4) My desire to want to treat my family better
I'm not always a good daughter and sister, but at the end of the day, I always wish that I could be. I think it's this desire that will create the change in myself. I never want to take them for granted and not love them.
5) Dancing alone in front of the mirror
This is so therapeutic for me, sometimes I cry after dancing. Ok sharing too much.
Sometimes I wish I could look into the future to see how I'm doing. Then at least I'll have an inkling to what do I want for myself.. Oh well, life is full of surprises and uncertainty. We should relish in it instead of being fearful.
This constant transfer of message may sound schizo to some but I feel that it's a good way to keep track of myself. It gives me strength when I'm weak and keeps me humble when I excel.
I challenge anyone who's reading this right now. Think back along your timeline and ask yourself:
"Are you happy?"
The idea goes like this: if I concentrated hard enough, I will be able to "send" the history questions back to my future self and one self of me will be able to "receive" it and hence prepare for it, getting a much better grade than I did.
Some examples during A level include this and this. Like I really believed it worked.
(no longer have posts before 16 cause all data from 10-16 were deleted due to a little quarrel with my brother)
Funny enough, after I really believed in it, I started to get little hints from the Chmelrealm. Like I'll have these little moments where I realise that the unemployment chapter is more important than the GDP chapter and I've been doing pretty well in school since then.
I'm not saying that this spooky inter-temporal penpal thing actually works. But things don't have to work the way we think it does to have a positive effect on us (more about this next time)
Since then, I've gathered enough exam skills and intelligence to no longer need to "send exam questions" back to the past. But recently, I keep receiving a "message" that goes: "Are you happy?". This made me rethink the philosophy behind Chmelrealm.
The only constant in life is yourself. You are the one you have to deal with for the most of the time. There must be some magic in sharing the same body as your 5 yo self and your 55 yo self.
After receiving the above message, I sent it back to the future and thought to myself: what would I look like at 30? Will I have a family? Will I love the same way I do? Do I have a wonderful relationship with my parents?
I hope the answer the postman gets is yes..
I don't think happiness should be the end goal to life. I feel that life is made beautiful by its chaos. The fact that amongst chaos, we can find peace and structure and control. This whole theory may just be me grappling to control my own life..
Anyway, I've hence came up with this project to work on daily until the end of 2014:
Ask myself: are you happy?
not the current me, because happiness is kinda fleeting isn't it?
But I know that if I were to tell the 14 year old me that I'm no longer on talking terms with Rachel, she'll get mad and probably cry and throw things at me.
and if I were to tell the 17 year old me that I am no longer putting in effort to know more about Physics and that I chose Econs instead, she will be pretty upset and ignore me for a couple of hours.
and if I were to tell the 21 year old me that I'm slowly crawling us out of the degenerate well that she has dug in Australia, she would be really proud of me.
and if messages could really travel past time, I would tell the 16 year old me that I will eventually get past bulimia and actually be happy with how I look and have a comfortable relationship with food. How encouraging would it be for her?
It's true that we are present biased. We tend to value our current happiness more than future/past happiness. Same goes for suffering. I feel that I'm able to look past the moment of "now" when I think about the benefits it will bring me in the future.
If we were to recall our A level period, many of us would just wave it off and say: it wasn't that tough! But it was- I had less than 3 hours of sleep every day during that 2 weeks (cause I mug better last minute) and every moment was a battle with my depleting self control. What kept me going was the thought that "I will get past it", which was based on a conversation with myself, knowing that Chmel at 23 will think that A level is peanuts.
When I got my A level results, I made sure to send a message back to studyingforAsChmel to comfort her that "everything is gonna be worth it in the end".
Isn't it so empowering? You are your greatest cheer leader and the future you has the tested and proven results that you can use to motivate yourself!
So here's what I'm gonna do everyday:
Think back on my past and ask "are you happy with where you see me now?"
I don't think the 15 year old, God loving Chmel will be pleased that I'm no longer attending church and having a close relationship with Jesus Christ, but the 22 year old me will be so proud of who I am right now.
Would any bit of you make the young you cry? Did you used to play the guitar alone just for fun? Did you used to draw for the sake of it and not for grades? Did you actually enjoyed studying in the past? What changed?
Do you want that part of you back?
I think it's a good thought experiment to put myself through everyday to know that I'm heading towards the right direction.
Also, it's good to look forward to the future and ask "are you proud of what I'm doing today?"
These are some things I wish I can retain with me until I die and will be pretty upset if I were to change in the future (futuremel, this is for you)
1) My love for people
I love helping people and seeing a smile of their face. I won't say that I'm never a bitch but I'm generally nice to people. If I ever become a grouch, I'll be really ashamed of myself.
2) The way I love
I don't ever want to hold back and give 85% instead of 100% for fear of heartbreaks. I don't want to change the selfless way I love.
3) My curiosity
I can go on wiki/google and read up on the holocaust, random conspiracy theories about in the US (project monarch!), and ways to treat pimples and I can do that for hours non-stop. It's quite a waste of time but I feel that this desire to want to know/learn more really defines me as a person.
4) My desire to want to treat my family better
I'm not always a good daughter and sister, but at the end of the day, I always wish that I could be. I think it's this desire that will create the change in myself. I never want to take them for granted and not love them.
5) Dancing alone in front of the mirror
This is so therapeutic for me, sometimes I cry after dancing. Ok sharing too much.
Sometimes I wish I could look into the future to see how I'm doing. Then at least I'll have an inkling to what do I want for myself.. Oh well, life is full of surprises and uncertainty. We should relish in it instead of being fearful.
This constant transfer of message may sound schizo to some but I feel that it's a good way to keep track of myself. It gives me strength when I'm weak and keeps me humble when I excel.
I challenge anyone who's reading this right now. Think back along your timeline and ask yourself:
"Are you happy?"
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